*The slaver base on the other side of the village*
--------------------------------------------------------
*A woman in an elaborate leather outfit sits in a tent. On each side of her, a man fans her with a palm leaf. Her feet rest on a man on his hands and knees. Next to one of the men stands a woman covered in leather straps with a blindfold over her eyes and gauntlets with blades protruding from them.*
*A glass-wearing girl carrying a huge pair of scissors on her back walks in.*
Glass-Wearing Girl: Lady Hilda, the raid was a success. We captured roughly 50 suitable men. But-
*Hilda sits upright.*
Hilda: But what, Mari?
Mari: One of our squads didn’t return and the predators have reported an encampment on the other side of the town.
*The insane-looking one in the leather straps stirs.*
Gwenyth: Should I deal with them?
Hilda: Hmmm . . . What do you think, Mari-?
*Mari is teasing a man with her scissors. He flinches as the blades glide just over his skin.*
Mari: Heh heh. Keep very still! Otherwise, my fingers might just slip-
Hilda: Mari! For the last time, don’t mess up the merchandise!
Gwenyth: *Ahem* Your orders?
Hilda: Let’s welcome them to the neighborhood. Heh heh.
*They head out and their army of male slaves armed with crappy swords (if anything) led by women in outfits similar to Hilda’s wielding whips begins to march. Several women dressed similarly to Gwenyth gather around her before they disappear.*
Showing posts with label Otaku RPG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Otaku RPG. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Otaku RPG: Fallacy 4
*Outside a mid-sized town a few days later*
------------------------------------------------------
*Sayoko, Francis, Magnus, and several lesser officers stand around a map of the area around the town.*
Francis: I suggest we send a diversionary force to the front and moon them until they puke. Then, we can sneak around to the back entrance and-
Sayoko: You’re gay, aren’t you?
Francis: WHAT?! Where the hell did that come from?!
Sayoko: Well, you have an affinity for rear doors . . .
Francis (mouth wide): . . . . .
Magnus: W-we could hurl burning chunks at them before rushing in.
Sayoko: You sick son of a bitch. Where are we gonna get that much puke?!
Magnus: T-that’s n-n-not w-what I m-m-m-m-meant.
Sayoko: Sureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
*Screams come from outside. The group rushes out.*
*As Sayoko, Magnus, and Francis step out of the tent, they witness a scene of total chaos. Sayoko's soldiers are desparately fighting off crazy women leaping about in bondage gear and men bound by shackles. They're losing, though, because the enemy has claws while they only have . . . staves?*
Sayoko: . . . Why the hell are our men fighting with sticks?
Francis: Staves.
Sayoko: . . . I see i'm not going to get a good answer out of you. Magnus, attack!
Magnus: J-jesus christ, lady, I'm not a pokemon!
Sayoko: JUST DO IT!
*Magnus hurls lightning bolt after lightning bolt at the enemies until the immediate area is littered with Kentucky Fried Wierdos.*
Sayoko (picking up one of the surviving enemies, a male): Where did you come from?
Guy (pointing to the town): T-the other side.
Sayoko: That's it? No resistance? No defiant glare? No lies?
Guy: They don't pay me well . . .
Sayoko: Alright then . . .
Sayoko (to Francis): Kill him.
Francis (raising his weapon): With pleasure.
Guy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Francis brings down his weapon without mercy.*
*Thump*
Sayoko: Thump?
Francis: Errr . . .
Sayoko: Did you just try to kill him with a stick?
Francis: Staff.
Sayoko: Whatever! It's a big-ass dildo for all I care! Now shut up before I show you how to use one the hard way!
Francis: Eep!
Sayoko: Bah! March! We're going to pay our neighbors a visit.
*Sayoko and her army march away.*
Guy: Umm, guys? I'm not dead, just paralyzed from the neck down . . . Hello? Guys? God damn it. Oh well. I still saved money on my ca-
Francis (lunging at the cripple): RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
------------------------------------------------------
*Sayoko, Francis, Magnus, and several lesser officers stand around a map of the area around the town.*
Francis: I suggest we send a diversionary force to the front and moon them until they puke. Then, we can sneak around to the back entrance and-
Sayoko: You’re gay, aren’t you?
Francis: WHAT?! Where the hell did that come from?!
Sayoko: Well, you have an affinity for rear doors . . .
Francis (mouth wide): . . . . .
Magnus: W-we could hurl burning chunks at them before rushing in.
Sayoko: You sick son of a bitch. Where are we gonna get that much puke?!
Magnus: T-that’s n-n-not w-what I m-m-m-m-meant.
Sayoko: Sureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
*Screams come from outside. The group rushes out.*
*As Sayoko, Magnus, and Francis step out of the tent, they witness a scene of total chaos. Sayoko's soldiers are desparately fighting off crazy women leaping about in bondage gear and men bound by shackles. They're losing, though, because the enemy has claws while they only have . . . staves?*
Sayoko: . . . Why the hell are our men fighting with sticks?
Francis: Staves.
Sayoko: . . . I see i'm not going to get a good answer out of you. Magnus, attack!
Magnus: J-jesus christ, lady, I'm not a pokemon!
Sayoko: JUST DO IT!
*Magnus hurls lightning bolt after lightning bolt at the enemies until the immediate area is littered with Kentucky Fried Wierdos.*
Sayoko (picking up one of the surviving enemies, a male): Where did you come from?
Guy (pointing to the town): T-the other side.
Sayoko: That's it? No resistance? No defiant glare? No lies?
Guy: They don't pay me well . . .
Sayoko: Alright then . . .
Sayoko (to Francis): Kill him.
Francis (raising his weapon): With pleasure.
Guy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Francis brings down his weapon without mercy.*
*Thump*
Sayoko: Thump?
Francis: Errr . . .
Sayoko: Did you just try to kill him with a stick?
Francis: Staff.
Sayoko: Whatever! It's a big-ass dildo for all I care! Now shut up before I show you how to use one the hard way!
Francis: Eep!
Sayoko: Bah! March! We're going to pay our neighbors a visit.
*Sayoko and her army march away.*
Guy: Umm, guys? I'm not dead, just paralyzed from the neck down . . . Hello? Guys? God damn it. Oh well. I still saved money on my ca-
Francis (lunging at the cripple): RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Otaku RPG: Fallacy 3
Magnus: N-n-no! I-I am a m-m-mage.
Sayoko: O Rly?
Magnus: Y-Ya R-R-Rly.
Sayoko: Alright then, let’s see your powers, but tell you what. You’re going to show our men what you can do. Succeed, and you’ll be my right-
Francis: Ahem.
Sayoko: *Sigh* Left hand man.
Magnus: R-really?
Sayoko: BUT, there’s a catch. If you don’t live up, I’ll have them chop off your legs before impaling you and leaving you to rot. Off we go!
*In front of the barracks*
-------------------------------------
*Several hundred soldiers stand at attention while Sayoko, Francis, and Magnus face them.*
Sayoko (pointing to a huge boulder): Well?
Magnus: O-okay.
*He holds his hand toward the boulder. For a moment, his hand glows with a scarlet aura.*
Sayoko: . . . Well, that was lame.
*Suddenly, a fireball the size of a giant’s torso bursts out of a seal on Magnus’ palm, obliterating the boulder and raining debris everywhere.*
Sayoko: I think we have our winner!
*Just as everyone starts cheering, another fireball rips through the air, detonating in front of a group of soldiers.*
Sayoko (to Magnus): What the fuck are you doing?!
Magnus: Fireball . .. Fireball! FIREBALL!!!!!!!
*He sprays the area with fireballs. Soldiers and civilian spectators alike flee in terror.*
*After a few minutes, Magnus collapses.*
Francis: At least he’s powerful . . .
Sayoko: . . .
*SLAP*
Sayoko: O Rly?
Magnus: Y-Ya R-R-Rly.
Sayoko: Alright then, let’s see your powers, but tell you what. You’re going to show our men what you can do. Succeed, and you’ll be my right-
Francis: Ahem.
Sayoko: *Sigh* Left hand man.
Magnus: R-really?
Sayoko: BUT, there’s a catch. If you don’t live up, I’ll have them chop off your legs before impaling you and leaving you to rot. Off we go!
*In front of the barracks*
-------------------------------------
*Several hundred soldiers stand at attention while Sayoko, Francis, and Magnus face them.*
Sayoko (pointing to a huge boulder): Well?
Magnus: O-okay.
*He holds his hand toward the boulder. For a moment, his hand glows with a scarlet aura.*
Sayoko: . . . Well, that was lame.
*Suddenly, a fireball the size of a giant’s torso bursts out of a seal on Magnus’ palm, obliterating the boulder and raining debris everywhere.*
Sayoko: I think we have our winner!
*Just as everyone starts cheering, another fireball rips through the air, detonating in front of a group of soldiers.*
Sayoko (to Magnus): What the fuck are you doing?!
Magnus: Fireball . .. Fireball! FIREBALL!!!!!!!
*He sprays the area with fireballs. Soldiers and civilian spectators alike flee in terror.*
*After a few minutes, Magnus collapses.*
Francis: At least he’s powerful . . .
Sayoko: . . .
*SLAP*
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Otaku RPG: Fallacy 2
On the 153rd day of the 9998th year of the celestial calendar, Lord . . . umm whatever his name is was thrown into the dungeon of homoerotic agony never to be seen again.
*Sayoko sits on a throne-ish chair, observing her new servants when a man in fancy military armor runs into the room.*
General: You called, milady?
Sayoko: About fucking time you got here, General . . . err . . .
General: Francis. Francis, the Lord of Staves.
Sayoko: Staves? That's the lamest thing I’ve ever heard!
Francis: Well, blades, bows, and spears were taken and I wanted to be original . . .
Sayoko: . . . Moving on, I want you to gather the mightiest warriors of this realm and bring them to me!
Francis: Alright . . .
*Half an hour later*
Sayoko: What?! I tell you to bring the best of the realm and you bring me this collection of rejects?!
Francis: Well, the previous lord already drove out our best warriors so . . .
Sayoko: Oh great. I might as well be picking teams in Special Ed.
*Sayoko closes her eyes, spins around, and randomly points at one of the “warriors” Francis brought.*
*Her finger lands on a somewhat muscular man with a longsword on his back.*
Sayoko: Who are you and why the hell should I hire you?
Alfonso: I am Alfonso. I want to defend the world against the evils that plague-
Sayoko: Next!
*A klutzy girl stumbles up to her*
Sayoko: Well?
Angela: I’m Angela. I’m a seemingly helpless girl, but in reality, I’ve descended from an ancient race of celestials and have hidden powers beyond mortal-
Sayoko: Francis! What does the scouter say about her BS level?
Francis: It’s over 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sayoko: WHAT 9000?!
Angela: So . . . . do I get the job?
Sayoko: . . . Get out.
*A gruff man wearing heavy armor and carrying a large blade steps forward*
Sayoko (yawning): You interview him, Frenchie.
Francis: I’m not a Frenchie, you demented bit-
*SLAP*
Francis: *Sniff* Please stop! Frenchie will be good! Frenchie promises! Errrr . . . . (to the newcomer) Why should we hire you?
Boris: I like swords.
Francis: Fair enough. What is your defining characteristic?
Boris: I like swords.
Francis: I see . . . And your previous experience in this field?
Boris: I like swords.
Francis: Outstanding! I think we’ve found our-
*SLAP*
Sayoko: Next!
*An angst-ridden teen slithers up to the “throne”*
Sayoko: What’s so special about you?
Teen: My life is a living hell. They try to make me something I’m not. My blood boils every time I think about it. How they imprisoned me. How they rejected me. How they left me to-
Sayoko: Blah. Blah. Blah. ALL parents are like that, so either grow a pair or get out, Shinji.
*Finally, a twitching being hidden under red robes moves forth, his hands grasping his robes.*
Sayoko: I swear if you flash me, I’m gonna chop your flashlight off and give it to Mr. Angstfest over there.
*Sayoko sits on a throne-ish chair, observing her new servants when a man in fancy military armor runs into the room.*
General: You called, milady?
Sayoko: About fucking time you got here, General . . . err . . .
General: Francis. Francis, the Lord of Staves.
Sayoko: Staves? That's the lamest thing I’ve ever heard!
Francis: Well, blades, bows, and spears were taken and I wanted to be original . . .
Sayoko: . . . Moving on, I want you to gather the mightiest warriors of this realm and bring them to me!
Francis: Alright . . .
*Half an hour later*
Sayoko: What?! I tell you to bring the best of the realm and you bring me this collection of rejects?!
Francis: Well, the previous lord already drove out our best warriors so . . .
Sayoko: Oh great. I might as well be picking teams in Special Ed.
*Sayoko closes her eyes, spins around, and randomly points at one of the “warriors” Francis brought.*
*Her finger lands on a somewhat muscular man with a longsword on his back.*
Sayoko: Who are you and why the hell should I hire you?
Alfonso: I am Alfonso. I want to defend the world against the evils that plague-
Sayoko: Next!
*A klutzy girl stumbles up to her*
Sayoko: Well?
Angela: I’m Angela. I’m a seemingly helpless girl, but in reality, I’ve descended from an ancient race of celestials and have hidden powers beyond mortal-
Sayoko: Francis! What does the scouter say about her BS level?
Francis: It’s over 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sayoko: WHAT 9000?!
Angela: So . . . . do I get the job?
Sayoko: . . . Get out.
*A gruff man wearing heavy armor and carrying a large blade steps forward*
Sayoko (yawning): You interview him, Frenchie.
Francis: I’m not a Frenchie, you demented bit-
*SLAP*
Francis: *Sniff* Please stop! Frenchie will be good! Frenchie promises! Errrr . . . . (to the newcomer) Why should we hire you?
Boris: I like swords.
Francis: Fair enough. What is your defining characteristic?
Boris: I like swords.
Francis: I see . . . And your previous experience in this field?
Boris: I like swords.
Francis: Outstanding! I think we’ve found our-
*SLAP*
Sayoko: Next!
*An angst-ridden teen slithers up to the “throne”*
Sayoko: What’s so special about you?
Teen: My life is a living hell. They try to make me something I’m not. My blood boils every time I think about it. How they imprisoned me. How they rejected me. How they left me to-
Sayoko: Blah. Blah. Blah. ALL parents are like that, so either grow a pair or get out, Shinji.
*Finally, a twitching being hidden under red robes moves forth, his hands grasping his robes.*
Sayoko: I swear if you flash me, I’m gonna chop your flashlight off and give it to Mr. Angstfest over there.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Otaku RPG: Fallacy 1
Katsuhiko Tenshi is a average high school boy who gets average grades, lives in a average home, has no girlfriend, and goes to an average school. He plays video games and hangs out with his geeky friends. He's kind and loves to help his friends. He spends his days dreaming about being magically swept to a fantasy world where he'd become a hero with some ancient power and hit it off with royalty because no one gives a flying fuck about him in real life.
This story isn't about him.
Sayoko Ando is at the top of her class at a prestigious academy. She's part of a wealthy family and lives in a mansion. Boys drool over her and she's a superb tennis player. She's also a royal bitch and crossing her means social excommunication. She spends her days pondering her ascent into the worlds of business and politics.
One day after watching her goons beat up Katsuhiko for spilling tea on her shoes, she mysteriously passes out.
When she woke up, she found herself being watched by an old lady dressed in common clothes.
Old Lady (reaching out to touch her): Ah! I see you're up, milady-
Sayoko: Get your damn, dirty hands off me, peasant!
Old Lady: I'm sorry but-
Sayoko: What the hell do you think you're doing putting me in this room?! It's much too small. If my hair isn't properly ventilated, it goes off center!!! And this bed! What's with these cheap sheets?! Do I look like some bourgeoise?!
Old Lady: But- But-
Sayoko: And what the hell are you doing in here?! I may catch some commoner's disease! Have you no brain?!
*The old lady breaks down into sobs*
Sayoko: But most importantly, what the fuck am I doing here?!
*The door slams open as guards rush in and grab Sayoko, dragging her away.*
*Within minutes, she's onto the floor of a dining room with a huge, rectangular table with a man in a flamboyant outfit sitting across the room, feasting on roast chicken.*
Sayoko (standing up): Are you some kind of fat ass pimp-?
Nobleman (interrupting): You shall not speak unless spoken to. I am the lord of this estate and i shall make this brief. You fell out of the sky. We found you. A prophecy foretold this. You are the maiden who will slay the darkness and restore balance and-
Sayoko (bored): If you're going to give me that cliché RPG-fodder bullshit, at least make it somewhat amusing. Adjectives help a lot, buddy.
Nobleman: SILENCE! As I was saying, rather than bringing you to the king, I will now-
Sayoko: Info gap much? If you're going to bore me, then get your info straight, you fat fuck.
Noblemen (clenching his fists and turning red): Insolent wench! You're going to make me king of the world! Got any problems with that?
Sayoko: Take a guess, you retarded swine.
*She jumps up onto the table, dashes across, picking up a long steak knife along the way. Before the noble or his guards could react, she was upon him, her knife just barely touching his neck.*
Sayoko: For one, the world would be fucked with you at the helm, fatso. On the other hand, if I’m THAT powerful, I think I’m gonna have some fun.
*She grins a devilish grin*
This story isn't about him.
Sayoko Ando is at the top of her class at a prestigious academy. She's part of a wealthy family and lives in a mansion. Boys drool over her and she's a superb tennis player. She's also a royal bitch and crossing her means social excommunication. She spends her days pondering her ascent into the worlds of business and politics.
One day after watching her goons beat up Katsuhiko for spilling tea on her shoes, she mysteriously passes out.
When she woke up, she found herself being watched by an old lady dressed in common clothes.
Old Lady (reaching out to touch her): Ah! I see you're up, milady-
Sayoko: Get your damn, dirty hands off me, peasant!
Old Lady: I'm sorry but-
Sayoko: What the hell do you think you're doing putting me in this room?! It's much too small. If my hair isn't properly ventilated, it goes off center!!! And this bed! What's with these cheap sheets?! Do I look like some bourgeoise?!
Old Lady: But- But-
Sayoko: And what the hell are you doing in here?! I may catch some commoner's disease! Have you no brain?!
*The old lady breaks down into sobs*
Sayoko: But most importantly, what the fuck am I doing here?!
*The door slams open as guards rush in and grab Sayoko, dragging her away.*
*Within minutes, she's onto the floor of a dining room with a huge, rectangular table with a man in a flamboyant outfit sitting across the room, feasting on roast chicken.*
Sayoko (standing up): Are you some kind of fat ass pimp-?
Nobleman (interrupting): You shall not speak unless spoken to. I am the lord of this estate and i shall make this brief. You fell out of the sky. We found you. A prophecy foretold this. You are the maiden who will slay the darkness and restore balance and-
Sayoko (bored): If you're going to give me that cliché RPG-fodder bullshit, at least make it somewhat amusing. Adjectives help a lot, buddy.
Nobleman: SILENCE! As I was saying, rather than bringing you to the king, I will now-
Sayoko: Info gap much? If you're going to bore me, then get your info straight, you fat fuck.
Noblemen (clenching his fists and turning red): Insolent wench! You're going to make me king of the world! Got any problems with that?
Sayoko: Take a guess, you retarded swine.
*She jumps up onto the table, dashes across, picking up a long steak knife along the way. Before the noble or his guards could react, she was upon him, her knife just barely touching his neck.*
Sayoko: For one, the world would be fucked with you at the helm, fatso. On the other hand, if I’m THAT powerful, I think I’m gonna have some fun.
*She grins a devilish grin*
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